Zvi Bellin, Ph.D., Licensed Professional Clinical Counselor

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I thought that there was no way that I could learn how to juggle. The whole idea of throwing something up into the air and seamlessly catch it can be hard enough, but to do that with multiple objects at the same time! Sounds ridiculous! Well this is not a blog entry about how I learned how to juggle tennis balls or bean bags. That is still on my to-do list. What I have learned how to juggle though is scarves. Light, floaty, colorful, weightless scarves. They gracefully puff in the air like bursts of cloud and softly mellow their way down to the floor. I can even juggle 5 scarves at a time. FIVE!

This is all coming up because of a lesson that I am working on and that I want to share with you. In life, we juggle many commitments – work (or for some of us multiple jobs), family, play, study, friends, movies, yoga, eating … The list can go on and on (and on and on!). At times, we feel overwhelmed with all of this juggling. We feel that we are hefting multiple bowling balls in the air and just barely keeping everything aloft. Some of us might learn how to juggle bowling balls and that can be a wonderful feat.   For the rest of us juggling bowling balls will only lead to burn-out, stress, and eventually failure. Because you can’t just do it all!

Here is the trick I am working on. I can switch my perspective from juggling bowling balls to juggling scarves. Life is about multiple moving parts and we cannot just simply put things down. When I enter into the metaphor of juggling scarves I have time to appreciate the beauty and uniqueness of each task that I undertake. I can fully embody and embrace each role I am called to play. Instead of constantly worrying about the next thing coming, or falling, I am able to have a moment of presence amidst the ceaseless flow.

So I want to invite you to acquire a few very light and sheer scarves – 3 to 5, some simple tulle will do. Delight in your amazing ability to master the complex art of juggling and then invite the same sense of ease and flow into your life.

It is so easy to stay in a funk. I wake up in a dark room and my mind has already been spinning for a while, thinking about what I have to do and how I do not really want to do. Getting out of bed just seems absurd, yet I can’t really relax and enjoy being under the covers. Every now and then, I can catch myself and recognize the opportunity that is present. I am awake! This moment can frame my whole day. How can I engage this day with a zest for life? With joy and excitement? With moment-by-moment awareness?

Other days I expend energy in resistance. I might get to work on time, interact peaceably with friends and co-workers, eat three meals, and yet carry around the weight of resistance all day long. It can be simply exhausting!

When I have days like this, I do a few things that can help to shift this heavy bearing feeling.

First thing is to STOP & SHIFT. I find time to stop going through the motions and do something that is unusual. For example, I might take a quick walk outside before I eat breakfast to simply pay attention to the natural beauty of the world around me. Maybe I will play a game to say “good afternoon” to strangers on the elevator ride up and down from lunch. Perhaps I will send a 3 word text to someone that I have not connected with in a while – “Thinking of you.” There are so many tiny ways to shift the gear from complacency to creativity. And I find that a small act can make a huge impact on my mood.

Second thing is to PRACTICE. I cannot expect everything to change eternally in one moment. So I try out a STOP & SHIFT technique and explore how that impacts the stories in my head (and/or the feelings in my heart). I might notice some positivity creeping in and then a return to heaviness. I then know that it is time to try something else. You might think of this as taking a daily vitamin regimen for your heart, mind, and spirit.

On last tip for today…FEEL & BREATHE! If I am having a particularly “hard” day, where I am overwhelmed by negative emotions and thoughts, I take time to feel the feelings as they occur in different parts of my body. For example, a tight throat or a queasy stomach. I just sit down, in any position I feel like (or stand up if I am waiting for the train), breathe until my stomach gently fills with air, and take note of what is happening inside. I imagine that each breath is like a gentle wave that is helping to move any stuck emotions or persistent thoughts through my mind/body system. I do this for as long as I have time to, or until I become distracted. Distraction is part of the letting go process. The best part about this method is that I can do this anywhere, it’s free, and it has been practiced in every culture, across the whole planet, from the beginning of human consciousness. That is time tested!

Have you tried these tips before? How have they worked for you? Anything else that you do to help ease you out of your funk? Comment below and let us know.

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The New York Times makes mistakes! I was reading a section of the Sunday paper and noticed a small Corrections blurb. It was so liberating to note that even the New York Times makes mistakes. I really hope that whoever (or however many people) typed Twin Rivers instead of Two Rivers was ultimately met with compassion as the editorial team concluded, “Don’t worry, we will print a correction.” Now let’s not let on that we know that Corrections actually is a way for the New York Times to say, “Oops! We messed up and we apologize for our carelessness.”

I know when I make a mistake it takes me a while to get to the place where I can first fully admit that I made a mistake. When I finally do, I tend to wallow in the guilt and shame of doing something wrong. Like the time I sent an introduction email about one course I was teaching to the wrong class roster.  It was my very first course that I was teaching in person, and I already felt like a total failure. And to twist the dagger a little deeper, it was a course about adolescent psychology, and misspelled the word adolescent! I was sure I was going to get an email the next day excusing me from my position. I feel some embarrassment to fess up to this folly even now, though I am sure something similar has happened to you.   After a mini freak out, I sent a carefully crafted correction to the wrong roster, and then sent my original email to the correct class with a correctly spelled subject headline.

Later that evening, I had a good cry/laugh with a good friend about my mistake as I realized that the world was not going to end. This seemed to be an important step. If I just kept the story to myself, I would be stuck with my own exaggerated terror filled episode. Life out loud is generally a lot less terrifying.

The next time you make a mistake, remind yourself that even the New York Times makes mistakes and for most mistakes, you too can probably offer a correction.

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I wonder if the idea of acceptance has become another form of reality repression. Everyone is talking about accepting what life brings you. Accept your anger. Accept your grief and sadness. Accept your gifts too. I notice when I practice acceptance a few things might happen, but they seem to be summed up in two different modes. The first is acceptance as being with. This means that when I am angry about something, then I allow myself to be angry. And if I am angry at a certain person then I allow myself to express that anger to the best of my ability. I am also patient with myself, recognizing that it takes time for emotions to pass through the filter of my being. I activate my support network – talk to friends and loved ones. I might even rearrange my schedule so I can have some space to explore and recover. This kind of acceptance is like an embrace. It is active. When you hug someone that you fully accept, you wrap your arms around that person and let them know that they are wanted up close.

The other kind of acceptance that can happen is the head-in-the-sand acceptance. This is a near-enemy of true acceptance. I realize that something significant is happening that warrants attention and instead I just keep going on with life as usual. The mental process is a quick, “I am open to whatever is going on,” without taking time to fully explore what that is. An example is when I was in a teacher-student relationship with a manipulative Rabbi. I just accepted his unhealthy behaviors without much consideration and remained under his influence long after my gut was telling me to leave. I was convinced I was in a spiritual practice of acceptance, when really I was self-manipulating to remain in denial.

Acceptance does not mean suffering in silence. It does not mean turn the other cheek. Rather, acceptance is an ongoing and active practice of fully embracing how your internal and external worlds intertwine. Finally, acceptance is not always something to do alone. If you are having trouble accepting something, share it with someone you trust.

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I am currently reading a memoir entitled, Impaired: A Nurse’s Story of Addiction and Recovery, by Patricia HolloranAs the title suggests, the book is about a nurse’s struggle with addiction to a common narcotic given to women in labor. More than this, the book highlights the determination needed for an honest recovery and the rigmarole Patricia had to do in order to keep her nursing license. It is so clear how being a nurse is essential to the meaning framework of the author. She calls it her, “first love,” and the thought of losing this identity seems to be her catalyst to seriously deal with her addiction.

As I read about the great importance that the author places on her career, I wonder about a cultural change in Western society. It used to be that a person could find themselves in a career in their mid- to late twenties and settle into a warm fuzzy feeling of purpose. Perhaps this was not exactly the case, but, growing up it was presented to me as a clear goal for reaching adulthood. Lately, we find that young people do not jump into a clear career path and there are even movements in Vocational Psychology which suggest that we should drop the term “career” from our vocabulary and talk instead about a work path – which pays attention to job changes, home responsibilities, and volunteer work in one’s community. This switch creates the possibility of gleaning a sense of meaning from a wider range of activity. We no longer have to base our sense of meaning around one identifier: the long-term career.

On the other end of the spectrum, we find that adults who were in long-term careers are getting pushed out by a multitude of reasons, only to find that they are not ready for retirement. These individuals are finding that there is still a meaningful life to be had beyond the office walls.

It seems to me that we are learning to diversify our meaning portfolio, so we have a greater chance of experiencing a stable and sustainable sense of meaning throughout the twists and turns of life.

I believe that the fear to embrace this change in reality is what causes many of us to become addicted to our jobs. We easily get caught in the following story: If I do not have this job, than what will I ever do with myself! (This “job” can also be unpaid, such as being a parent or a grandparent.) This story can actually limit a full exploration of one’s deepest potential and desires. I do think that this goes beyond privileged individuals, as people of lesser means, at least in the USA, also live within a story of limitations which is kept in place by fear.

If we can see beyond this fear, that our life story is actually not bound by the single narrative that we exist in, and that a myriad of alternative possibilities are constantly knocking at our door , we can actually embrace the dynamics of Life with excitement.   So, a challenge that I invite you to undertake is to consider how you can diversify your meaning portfolio. If you see that you are putting all your eggs in one meaning basket, it might be a good idea to consider and expand upon the more subtle meaning potentials in your life.

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A few days ago I was waiting for the commuter train from Oakland to Berkeley, AKA BART. As I was standing on the platform, I saw a middle-aged man rush down from the floor above and speed onto the down escalator that would take him to the tracks going towards San Francisco. After a few steps down he shouted, “Damn!” He swung his body around and started walking against the escalator flow, trying to get back to the platform I was on. He had a cane in one hand and was walking quite slowly, and I was afraid that if I helped him he would lose his footing and fall. Unfortunately, he was not able to keep the double-pace needed to defeat the down escalator and after a few moments, with a shrug of his shoulders and a deep sigh, he gave up and effortlessly floated downwards.

This episode made me think about how I deal with mistakes that I perceived that I have made. At first, I try to fight against the current that I did anything wrong.  I hold this image of myself as someone who does not hurt other people and who walks around with some sense of direction. But inevitably, a careless word or thoughtless decision shatters the frail persona of perfection. So what is left to do?

A good shoulder shrug is in order to release all the tension of trying to hold perfection together. A good sigh makes room to accept the truth, “I am not perfect.” Next, I have to look around. I am on the platform below where I want to be. What do I need to do now to get up there, and what should I pay more attention to so that I will not make the same mistake twice? I am not too fond of generalizations, but this might be the quickest way to get going on the right track. Perhaps a bit later than expected and with a bit more exercise than intended, I am sure that the man got home just fine.

Many blessings!