Yesterday I overheard a heartbreaking snippet of a conversation. I admit, that I am reading a lot into this snippet, being that it was only a tiny piece of probably a more lengthy conversation, and an even more lengthy story – but, a minds got to do what a minds got to do. So here goes.
I was walking home on another chilly NYC late afternoon and a man in his forties stepped out of a building in front of me holding hands with a young girl, maybe age 10. I heard the man say to this child,
“A failure…Failure. Am I a failure? Did mommy ever say to you that I am a failure?”
That was all I heard as we walked in opposite directions. My first thought was to turn around and say to the father, “That question is so unhelpful. Your daughter should probably not be in the middle of the drama between you and your ex-wife.” Of course, I realized that I was totally judging this man with no real understanding of the situation and kept walking.
As my mind continued to play the situation over, I started to think about all the negative labels we carry around for ourselves and for other people and scenarios. I have been here for about 6 weeks now and up until recently, when anyone asked me how things were going I would start by saying, “Terrible. I like the work I’m doing, but I don’t want to be in NY.” Somehow I decided that I had to reinforce the story that I was not content here. Knowing that I will be here until May, this is rather unhelpful.
It seems really important to me to weed out these deep damaging labels that I brand myself and others with. Our brains are meaning machines and will automatically fill in the gaps when information is missing. I see a person, and I automatically trust or mistrust them. I label them smart, scary, sad, or dangerous. There is a protective value to this process, and there is also a downside. Our labels create biases in our behavior and we can begin to treat ourselves and other people unfairly and without wisdom.
Awareness is not only knowing what your mind is thinking. It is also choosing to affirm or alter your mind’s automatic judgments. This is a skill that takes a lot of practice and support, and if we want a more compassionate world, now is a good time to start.
Many blessings!
